I orient my years around summer, so this starts with the lessons I learned last summer:
The months leading up to camp were unusually dull. Typically, I feel on fire to get to camp, be in community, and do ministry, not this time though.
When camp came, I was happy to be in community again, but I couldn’t shake this numb feeling at its center. I felt like a worn-out old sailor. My friends noticed I wasn’t myself.
I realized I was in the wrong place. All too late, I remembered that I am supposed to ask God where He wants me and pursue His will, not just assume His will is at camp again. But for some reason, I stuck it out and stayed at camp.
To make a long story short: my heart was not in the ministry at camp. I still tried my best to counsel my campers, but I felt pretty useless. At the end of the summer, I realized that God had used me even though I didn’t feel Him working. It put in perspective how big He is and how small I am. It also gave me peace knowing that He uses my failures and works everything for good, even when I mess up.
But how short-lived that was! Immediately (literally), when I got home, I got to work on college applications. I got the worry, stress, and clouded spirit that came. My relationship with Christ grew, but I still did not trust Him with my future. After sending in ten applications to schools within my reach, I sent in ten more instead of turning my long-term focus to God. I desired what the world had to offer instead of the goodness of God.
When the dust settled on January 1st, I realized that I did not want any of the futures I applied for; I wanted God. Coincidentally, a few days later, I found Biola University, a Christian University in SoCal. I applied, got accepted, and enrolled in about two weeks because the call was that clear.
And I was pacified for about a week until my friend recommended that I take a gap year. There it was again – a fifteen thousand dollar commitment that would postpone my arrival to surf-country by a year. I applied hesitantly to a gap year program with the IMB. In the meantime, I was in limbo, not at peace with just going to Biola but not at peace with a gap year.
Once I got accepted, I had that week-long peace again. This time I knew I was at peace with the gap year but not with the IMB gap year (no hate for the IMB). I wrestled with my intentions for wanting to go on the Race. Eventually, I decided the peace I felt with the Race was God telling me where I needed to be.
Now here I am, for the first time in what feels like forever, trusting God in significant ways. I do not know or care what life holds next year; my mind is set on the ministry that is right now. I have peace knowing the future is in His hands and that He will provide the funds for the ministry He has called me to; all I have to do is go out and collect it.
